How can we help children understand changing dynamics and feelings? 

We can reassure children that they are loved regardless of their parent’s relationship status, while the way they spend time with each parent may change, their bond with each parent remains the same. 

It’s important for parents to agree on the main points of the separation, to avoid ambiguity that could create insecurity. 

Younger children struggle to think in abstract thoughts, so it is important to give them details of what will affect their routines, as it is about to happen. Older children can require more direct information and will have more of an idea about how their world might change.

It can be reassuring for them to collaborate on decisions that are appropriate for the new arrangements that you as parents have decided on, e.g how they might want their space at each house to be decorated, what items they want to leave at each house and which they might carry between. It can provide a sense of control over parts of their lives, but reassurance that they can trust your ultimate decisions is important.

How do you word being at Mum and Dad’s house? I’m struggling with this as they are told you are at Dad’s today and Mum’s tomorrow. How do I make it feel like their house as I realise the way I’m saying it makes it sound like they don’t have a house? 

For younger children it maybe helpful to come up with a new way to speak or giving a word a new meaning to describe where they will be. Refer to both as their homes. Try to help them personalise each so it feels for them that there is belonging for both to the home and of the home. As an audience member suggested; ‘One family, two homes’ 

I find (5 yr old) deliberates before answering or saying something. Hesitant about saying the right thing to the right parent. 

Be honest about your own feelings whilst also containing them. Your child will learn that you can manage, what they may feel is sadness or disappointment for you. Explain more that one thing can be true at the same time, endings are sad but new beginnings can be exciting/peaceful/hopeful. Thank them when they do share something honest with you, as this will reinforce this is a positive and helpful thing to do. 

When to talk to my 4 year old … we are separating but still living together, we are now in separate bedrooms but told her it’s due to my bad back. Dad will eventually move out, but we don’t know when. When do I start telling her anything? 

Younger children struggle to think in abstracts, so telling a younger child that you have separated while you are still living together, can be difficult to understand. Until you both know when that time will be to physically separate, it might be best to continue as you have been if that seems to be working.

Once you have a plan you can share information of what tangibly will happen, with regards to their lives e.g. where they will live, when they will see each parent, who will take them to school etc. 

Dealing with an only child aged 12. Any advice for dealing with comments that he feels lonely in the separation. We recently moved house nearer to his friends and he says he doesn’t feel as lonely now, but I fear he is still feeling lonely? Any tips? 

Using curiosity could help get more insight into what the feeling of being lonely is communicating. Is it they have less time with each parent and feel those relationship are lonely? Is it that their social circles have changed due to geography? Could it be they feel disconnected, and they feel they can’t relate to their friends with different family dynamics? Once you identify what the need is you can both go about making a plan and trying out ways to help this issue. 

Any specific advice for children who are neurodiverse?

Neurodiversity is a specialised area in it’s own right and so it wouldn’t be within our competency to give specific advice regarding this. Please find links below that may help guide you to somewhere that is more appropriate.

How do we address feelings of blame towards parents due to the separation of the family?

We know that children can internalise shame when they hear parents speak badly about one another. They are stuck in the paradox of not being able to love one person, without hurting the other. When blame creeps, in try to think of the situation as though you are an observer – remain factual about the circumstance, rather than who has done what to whom.

This will be extremely hard if you are not in agreement with the separation and feel the decision has been taken out of your hands. For your own wellbeing, remember what you do still have control of in your own life.

You have control over how you speak about this situation, over how you spend your time, and who you confide in. If you have strong feelings, think about choosing someone trusted or a professional to get your feelings off your chest, without inadvertently sharing details of your romantic relationship, with your child.

How do we/I get a balance between Doing Things When With Them and letting them chill? I feel that one of us will believe it’s important to Do Stuff when with them, whereas listening to the children, they often value time to do what appears to be “nothing” to some adults (in room, WhatsApping friends, playing console, etc.). Does this risk one person becoming the Active One and the other being the Passive One?

You could try directly asking them how they would like to spend some of the time they are with you, and have conversations about difference between houses and what they value with each. If you want to do more with them, you can tentatively ask them if you could try something out together every so often, and assure them that if they don’t like it they can change their minds. It sounds like a difference in lifestyle at each home, but this difference might be really valuable to them, in learning rest and play and having the context to be able to engage in both.

To add, as children get older and into their teens they developmentally begin to distance from parents, to cultivate their own identities and will be influenced more by peers than parents. It’s normal for them to want space to themselves at this time. Routine and sticking to what they know can also feel safe for them, which is often why there can feel like there is a push and pull in the dynamics.

As adults we go through a grieving period (for the past and future). It takes us time to adjust and don’t have capacity to have a hearty conversation with our children sometimes. What advice to you have when a 6-year-old tells you fearfully “I want you and Dad to live here at the same time. I want things to be as they were before.”?

Children at this age struggle to think in abstracts, which includes the relationship dynamic of adults. Their way of thinking can be black and white, and centered around themselves. It is hard for them to understand the world out there and is why children can engage in wishful or magical thinking, where they think they are the cause and effect of everything.

It’s important to be honest and not promise anything that will not happen. Reassure them that you have made this decision as you think it to be the best one.

For children this age, play can be a good way to help them express themselves. This could be using art or storytelling to explain things to them or engage them in play and ask them open questions about their stories and characters, which can help lead them to more hopeful ways of thinking. For instance, you could reflect the doll looks sad and validate why your child says it is sad. You might then ask questions like ‘If the doll was excited, what would it look like?’ ‘If the doll was relaxed, what would it be doing’. This can help them open up a range of their own emotions and other possibilities.